Seizing the Mandate
by Cadeja
Summary: Cao Pi decides to tackle some recent issues about Sima Yi's health, in a very public manner. Pure and utter crack, that butchers any DW6/7 plot.
1. Setting the Stage

Notes on How to Properly Seize the Mandate of Heaven

Setting the Stage

Cao Pi's called an urgent meeting of Wei's generals. Cao Cao's boy sits at the head of a heavy wooden table, with a fidgeting Sima Yi to his right.  
>Sima gulps down water that had been in front of him and Prince Cao Pi clears his throat to speak:<p>

"This meeting has been called to answer the question of whom has been making an attempt on my life. For the past weeks Sima Yi has been ill. It's obvious that I, as the Crown Prince of Wei, am their target. Sima Yi will describe the poison; see if any of you can recognize it. "  
>Sima Yi coughs into his gloved hand, clearing his throat: "The most notable signs and symptoms for me have been the nausea and vomiting, exhaustion and fatigue, I've found the temperature unusually hot as of late; my, ahem, <em>chest<em> is sore, there have been some _oddities _about my appetite; ah, yes, and I frequently have to urinate at night. Oh, and of course..."

Somewhere in Sima Yi's list of little minutia that no one else cares to know about his health, Cao Pi cuts him off.  
>"Yi's also snappy, frequently horny, and vomits nonstop, did he mention all of that?"<br>I actually feel sorry for the now gaping and glaring Yi, having his private life broadcast by an obvious secret lover, but Zhang He's interest has certainly been caught, gauging from how he now eagerly waves his hand about waiting for Cao Pi to call on him to speak. The young Wei Lord nods in He's general direction before He bursts out:  
>"Oh, oh, I know: our lovely Sima Yi is pregnant and he will bear truly <em>beautiful<em> children "  
><em>General <em>Zhang He has that ability, to make others uneasy. Normally it can be used against Wei's foes, to cause havoc and disarray. Right now, it would seem his statement fouled Sima Yi's mood that much more.  
>"Thank you Zhang He, but this isn't a creative writing assignment, so now offer a serious solution." Sima hisses. Cao Pi <em>tries <em>to get us on a more productive path, somewhat, as he chimes in:  
>"Come, people, we need to come up with something to end this. Having him get out of bed at 4 in the morning to vomit is unpleasant to say the least."<br>Zhang He retorts that he was giving a serious suggestion, only to have Yi glare ice at him. I state the obvious:  
>"Maybe he got amoebas and other parasites while stationed in Shu."<br>Cao Pi responds with a relived and tired "Thanks, Xiahou Dun", Sima snaps that amoebas don't explain half his symptoms. Pi shrugs and gives the addendum: "Parasites like Toxoplasmosis are known to cause promiscuity in women."  
>Yi sputters, shuts his mouth, goes red and glowers at me.<p>

* * *

><p>Pure and utter crack, that butchers any DW67 plot. It pays no heed to reason.

This is the unfortunate result of writer's block, insomnia and "god, Sima Shi sure looks like Cao Pi's kid."


	2. Paging Doctor Kongming

Paging Doctor Kongming

A situation like this requires the brilliant leadership of the prince of Wei, which is to say me. Seeing as the greatest strategic, diplomatic and military minds of the Three Kingdoms (my employees) could not solve this dilemma there is only one clear path to take. Hire a doctor, which is, come to think of it, the first thing I should have done. I catch a passing servant.  
>"You there, where is Wei's physician?"<br>"There currently is none, Lord Cao Pi."  
>"What do you mean <em>there is none ? <em>Am I supposed to believe we have multiple strategist and an army of musicians and thespians in Xuchang _but no doctor for the palace_?", I say, my patience wearing thin.  
>The servant bows and stutters, as he should before me.<br>"I am _very very _sorry my lord, but ever since your father executed his physician for suggesting that his migraines be treated with a simple procedure that happened to involved cutting Cao Cao's head open, doctors refuse to come to the Wei palace. If you want to find a physician who will actually come here for Lord Sima, it will have to be some sort of diagnostic genius, who isn't afraid of anything!"  
>I think for a moment, recalling something I saw in Xuchang.<br>"Yes, I know exactly what you are talking about. They have this series of plays in Xuchang about just such a man. "Kongming, MD" is the title I think."  
>Now that I have this knowledge, I must act on it at once.<p>

* * *

><p>Sima Yi is in his offices, face turned down towards a scroll, hand rubbing his temples and back turned to me.<br>I stand at his side and boom out in my most commanding tone (my Cao Cao impression):  
>"Sima Yi, you will be seen by a doctor I've summoned to Xuchang."<br>Yi picks up his head but doesn't yet turn to me.  
>"I have nausea, not deafness, Lord Cao Pi. <em>Please<em> refrain from yelling when you are only_ three feet away_ from me." I need to practice giving orders, actually; I think to myself.  
>"Either way Yi, he should be here in a few days." I walk over to behind Yi and make a pointed effort to stare over his shoulder until he turns to me.<br>He speaks an exasperated "I suppose I ought to thank you for doing this, Cao Pi."  
>Now I can leave.<p>

* * *

><p>Cao Pi is still obsessed with my medical condition. I'd understand this all if it was that he feared contagion, for example in the that case I had the<em> plague<em>. But by now it has been long enough that any serious illness can be ruled out.  
>Still, Cao Pi had to go and summon Wei's generals<em> and<em> his father from sick leave (I wonder where Zhen Ji's been during all of this), just to bother every one with a speech on how he's averted a Wei crisis by bringing in "the Greatest Medical Mind in the Three Kingdoms", some witch doctor most likely, to examine me. Because, obviously my stomach flu could spread and bring down Wei from the inside. Cao Cao somehow nods along with his son, hopefully just in approval of Cao Pi's public speaking skills. I stand at Pi's side waiting for this to be over when our Prince's rousing speech is interrupted by Xiahou Yuan:  
>"Lord Cao Pi, are you sure we should do this? I mean the last doc tried to cut Our Lord's head open! Dun already said it, the guy has parasites; just give him some tea and he'll be good to go."<br>"What! General, Yi's _pregnant_, we have to be careful about what he eats! For the sake of his child! And beauty!" Zhang He flourishes his arms about with his hair swaying, to emphasis his point.  
>I clear my throat to catch our assembled officers attention: "What ever the cause, we've already spent on a physician so it would be foolish to not use them. Oh, and Zhang He, I am <em>male<em>, males _don't_ get pregnant."  
>Before I can elaborate a servant rushes in, announcing to the Caos that the doctor has arrived.<p>

* * *

><p>Obvious House reference is obvious<p> 


	3. It's Not Lupus

It's Not Lupus  
><em>otherwise known as<br>_Anachronisms Ahoy!

"The doctor says for Sima to go see him at the room he's set up at the end of the hall."  
>"It's good to see someone is considering my privacy. I'll go now then." I say as I depart, with Cao Pi deciding to trail behind me.<br>"My _lord_, I believe this is supposed to be a private appointment." I say as professionally as can be, only to have him retort:  
>"I'm worried about you and want to know what's wrong, Zhongda." Pi says in a disturbingly saccharine manner. Outside of a certain type of intercourse, it's a bad sign if Pi's seeing the need to be even remotely sweet.<br>"The real reason, Zihuan?" I say, incredulously.  
>"I like medical mysteries and you are one, besides I hired a celebrity doctor that I want to watch at work."<br>"Ah, so I'm entertainment for you in more ways than one, lord Cao Pi. I'm faltered." We're at the door by now, and Cao Pi has to wrap his arms about my waist as I open the door. _Great_, just the impression I want to give a medical professional.

* * *

><p>"I had been hoping you would come alone, but I suppose it's fine if you bring your boyfriend along for emotional support, Sima."<p>

_Zhuge_. It's Zhuge Liang, of all people to set a trap. Xuchang should be impenetrable even to_ professional spies._ Cao Pi unhands me to approach Zhuge with a stern expression, stern hand shake and a spoken "doctor". This is a joke.  
>"Cao Pi, that is Zhuge Liang <em>from Shu<em>."  
>"No, Yi. This is Doctor Kongming." he answers plainly.<br>"You're blind. He even has a _strategist's fan_, what doctor uses that? It's _obviously_ just Zhuge Liang with a cane, _Pi."  
><em>He sighs, slowly stating: "Zhongda, I know that the doctor is Zhuge Liang, but he is currently acting as Kongming the famous diagnostician. Don't you ever watch plays?" Pi rolls his eyes.

A cough and then "If you both are done discussing me, we should begin Sima's exams" comes from Zhuge.  
>Cao Pi gives a too excited "We'll do such at once, Doctor Kongming. You have the symptoms I sent you for Sima?"<br>"Yes, in your exact words, he "is snappy, frequently horny, and vomits nonstop"; all but one of those seem as if they would be normal Sima behavior."  
>"You sent a letter like that to Shu!" I mutter to Cao Pi, it comes out as a hiss. Then I continue: "And you, Zhuge Liang, isn't there a <em>law<em> about doctor-patient confidentiality?"  
>"We're living in the Three Kingdoms era, Sima Yi. I highly doubt it. Now give me your arm and turn your head to cough."<br>I glare at Cao Pi and cough in his direction. Stoically, he stares back, when I feel my arm stabbed. "What the-"  
>"Don't move, Sima Yi. I still need two more vials for your blood tests."<br>"_You_ won't even ask my symptoms or _for permission_ to needle me, Zhuge?  
>Zhuge Liang focuses intensely on the instruments he has at hand. "We'll do that after I have these results, when my equipment gets here. I will see you in a few days, Sima Yi"<p>

Later, as Cao Pi and I are walking down the halls I need to ask, a bit bitterly:  
>"Why do you like that show so much?" Cao Pi contentedly grins.<br>"Doctor Kongming is asinine and condescending towards his patients."

* * *

><p>Zhuge Liang has finally gotten my results back, a courier tells me while I had been reclining in a pagoda at the gardens with Zhang He. We both arise to go, with He stating how <em>exited <em>he is to see my check up. I quickly scarf down the phoenix talon I'd been eating, hoping my choice of dish will go unnoticed. (Heavens forbid the other Wei commanders learn I've been eating _those_ things as of late.)

"Your results came back with elevated hCG and progesterone. So we can rule out Lupus. But, there are _multiple_ things this could mean."  
>"Will my symptoms help narrow it?" I interject, being the patient after all.<br>And then Zhang He interrupts: "Sima's pregnant, isn't he?" he squeals happily.  
>"Either that or he has a tumor disrupting his endocrine levels. We'll do a body scan." Zhuge says, dignifying Zhang He's insane fixation. I feel I'm the only one Zhuge Liang goes out of his way to disrespect.<br>I mutter "This is absurd."  
>Zhuge Liang puts a hand on my arm as he speaks, in an attempt at bedside manner.<br>"I'll have to set up my ultrasound machine, but until then I want to either congratulate you on your pregnancy or give my sincerest condolences."

* * *

><p>There's a deep and arbitrary horror to waiting in a makeshift medical office and contemplating your own possible death; all while Zhang He jovially shoots of a list of baby names.<br>"Oh, Yi _listen_ to this:_ Shi_. Shi is such a _refined_ name! And it even rhymes with _both_ Pi and Yi! You must choose it." Why does He have to be like this now? I can only look up at him, wearily.  
>"He, I may be dying in a most torturous fashion and that <em>stupid<em> idea is all you can think of? Why did you even brig Pi up?"  
>He looks up, perplexed, from the scroll he was reading.<br>"Yi, pregnancy is a time of _joy_, a _celebration_ of life. And Pi is the father, or is there someone else?" he insinuates, at a time like this.  
>"<em>What<em>? No, there isn't. I mean there's nothing to discuss. _Anything_ I tell you is confidential."  
>Zhang He twiddles his thumbs nervously. Blurting: "That's good because I invited Pi to your ultrasound."<br>"_What?"_

* * *

><p>Pheonix Talons are a Dim Sum made of chicken feet.<p> 


	4. Wei Exceptionalism

Wei Exceptionalism

It is bothersome being the acting lord of Wei, partially because everyone sees fit to send you their requests; rank and riches mostly, occasionally advice. Now, most this mail is for Cao Cao, but occasionally I get the odd piece of fan mail, emphasis on _odd_.  
>The letter I just got from a palace messenger is exceedingly strange, even for mail from Zhang He. I go to the location stated, to confront him.<p>

I enter a stuffy office containing a chatty Zhang He that's reading out random names to Sima Yi, who's in a fetal position.  
>I clear my throat to speak over him: "Sima Yi, did you know Zhang He sent me a letter saying the Doctor found you're pregnant?"<br>Yi's head snaps up with a sharp glare and a pointed "ignore him, Cao Pi."  
>I step forward a bit, speaking in a manner that betrays the confusion I've felt all along: "What is going on?"<br>Sima sighs and slumps, taking of his incredibly absurd purple hat:  
>"I'm getting some scans done... I, Zhuge said I may have cancer. You don't suppose you could stay here and be a supportive partner, or at least feign it?"<br>Wait... no, that can't be:  
>"Yi, you can't have cancer. I mean, if you die who's going to advise me at the imperial court?"<br>Now Yi is simply hissing, and Zhang He is still blurting names.  
>"Quite frankly, my <em>lord<em>, I don't give a damn. Now **sit** here and _hold me_."  
>"yes-sir"<p>

Yi's curled in my lap, sulking while I rub his shoulders. I'm hoping Yi's relaxed a bit when I ask: "Zhang He, what are you doing?"  
>"Our gorgeous Yi and I were just discussing baby names for his child!"<br>I sigh. "Discussing?"  
>Zhang He then takes my speaking as an invitation to continue this "discussion".<br>"Lord Cao Pi, as the crown prince of Wei, do you think you could organize the greatest, no the most _fabulous_, baby shower in the Three Kingdoms?"  
>Now Yi finally snaps: "Zhang He, silence."<br>"Yi, it's _very_ bad for a developing child if their mother's upset during pregnancy!"  
>I have to restrain Yi to keep him from mauling Zhang He, now.<br>Thinking quickly, I remediate this situation by interjecting:  
>"He, if you go outside and wait quietly, I'll let you name our child."<br>Zhang He gleefully makes a gesture of zipping his mouth shut and skips outside.

"Doctor Kongming went out so I'll be doing your scans."  
>Sima stands at attention, seeming more like a bristling animal each minute.<br>"_Jiang Wei_, what's a traitor like you doing back in Wei? Where is Zhuge? He's the one whom was paid to handle this."  
>Wait, we used to employ that kid? (I think to myself.)<br>"_Doctor_ Kongming thought these scans were beneath him; so instead you're getting my prodigious talent."  
>All these strategists have such ego problems, if only there were a way to avoid employing them.<br>Yi scoffs: "Yes, prodigious enough that you charge a mine field, _and_ that your precious Zhuge has you playing his henchman."  
>"Well, I'm not the one who's " I interrupt Jiang Wei's response before this gets worse: "Jiang Wei , just run the tests now."<br>These strategists have the worst cat fights in the Three Kingdoms.

Sima Yi is laying on a cot, busy inspecting and complaining of the lack of coverage from that medical gown he's in, as Jiang Wei slides one appendage of a metallic contraption over Yi's body. I glance at the screen Jiang Wei's inspecting, as I ask the obvious: "Where did that device come from?"  
>Jiang Wei beams "Zhuge Liang and his wife are inventors!"<br>"And they invented ultrasound?" Yi interjects, incredulous.  
>I give my two-cents: "Yi, it's not too much of a stretch to believe that we have ultrasound in ancient China; given that we already posses laser-shooting-fans <em>and<em> dumplings that can heal grievous injuries." Yi responds with a simple _hmm_; as Jiang Wei abruptly rises and leaves, saying that he has to find Zhuge.

* * *

><p>"These results are exactly what I had expected. Except for the fact that they should be medically impossible," Zhuge proclaims. Cao Pi, who's seated himself by me on the cot, grabs and squeezes my hand as he lets me speak. Shakily, I state: "Is it bad Zhuge?"<br>Zhuge Liang puts down the scans before responding. "It's _very bad_ for the rest of the world, Sima Yi. You are with child. Congratulations on being the greatest medical mystery in the Three Kingdoms."  
>This is a sick and degrading prank, we never should have hired Shu. Cao Pi perks up asking Zhuge how that's even possible. Zhuge tosses him the black on acetate scans.<br>While I try to coerce some confession of this being fraud out of the Shu officers, Cao Pi has to go on saying to himself _amazing_ and _how did he not notice Yi had _**those**_ parts_. That smug Zhuge dismisses my complaints, saying an obnoxious _just examine yourself_. Before I can retort, Cao Pi darts off with the test results in hand, saying the rest of the kingdom has to know this. I give chase, before he has the chance to ruin me.


	5. Seizing the Mandate, with Provisos

Seizing the Mandate, with Provisos

Zhang He has once again served a strategic purpose for me, intercepting Pi with hugs and "OHMAIGAWD, you're a father."  
>Luckily there are no servants in this hall (I wouldn't want to be caught dead in this peep-show medical robe anyways.)<br>If Zhang He continues to distract Pi, my plan should succeed.  
>Pi only notices when it's too late. Proclaiming:<br>"Zhongda, hand me the results back. It's rude to grab things out of your lord's hand."  
>I scoff and can't help sneering: "Cao Pi, this is idiocy. The Shu are playing a ruse in order to plant discord in Wei. I am not pregnant because I have <strong>no<strong> _womb_. Now the two of you be quite before you embarrass us further ."

Zhang He looks genuinely doleful, while Cao Pi taps his chin before detaining me in his parody of a hug.  
>"You know, Zhongda, we can easily check that, with the skimpy robe your wearing. All I have to do is slide my hand down here and feel around for something extra."<br>No, no he wouldn't dare. Wait , this is Cao Pi we speak of; yes, he would. And Zhang He's just starring blankly (a natural reaction to Pi's and my relationship).

Cao Pi has to start prodding his fingers _there_ in public. I won't suffer this in silence.  
>"Help! Assault! Get Cao Pi off me!"<br>"Why can't be you be that uninhibited and loud in bed, Zhongda? Besides, I'm done. Congratulations on your vagina."  
>"<em>What<em>? There is no way I'm keeping that in me. Zhuge can cut it out!"  
>The minute I turn on my heal, Cao Pi yanks me back into him by the wrist, giving a rushed "You may not do that to <em>my heir<em>, Zhongda."  
>The prince misunderstands our dynamic: "No, Zihuan I can do as I want. Regardless of your petty orders, I won't bear something so unnatural in me."<br>The prince gives a discontented "Zhongda!" before He interrupts:  
>"Lord Yi, can't you see the beauty of what this means?"<br>I interject the snippet: "That I am Wei's new freak show."  
>Zhang He waves and twirls. "No, Yi; for something that defies the laws of nature to occur, your child must have the Mandate of Heaven!"<br>He dramatically falls to one knee kissing my hand. The profundity of what has just been said explodes through my thought.  
>I have the mandate,<br>there will be a Sima on the throne...  
>"I always knew I was meant to be emperor." Cao Pi coolly speaks.<br>"Pi, _I_ am the pregnant one. The unnatural act happend in my body; the mandate is mine, Zihuan."  
>"Yi, if it were not for my tireless and perfect work on you so many evenings, you could not have concived. I accomplished this task. It's my mandate."<br>"_hmph_ From how you beg for it, I would hardly think you consider our intercourse to be work. Besides, it could well be imaculate! Meaning the mandate is all mine. Mwahahahahaha."  
>Somewhere in the evil mastermind laugh I'd intended to continue <em>ad infinitum<em>, I choke.  
>Thank the heavens someone has the mind to preform a Heimlich maneuver.<br>I'm less glad when I see that someone is General Dun.  
>Pi visibly pales as he asks: "Uncle, when did you get here?"<br>"When I heard Sima Yi screaming I thought to check; and now I've been here long enough to wish I didn't know what you kids are doing. Follow me, we must see Lord Cao Cao. Right. Now. "


	6. Cao Cao's Office of Strategic Planing

Cao Cao's Office of Strategic Planing, Sort Of

I wish Dun would have given me the time to properly dress before bring us to hold audience with lord Cao Cao; at the very least I have Pi and He to stand behind, literally. A very busy, serious Cao Cao looks up from his desk and takes note of us:  
>"Dun, what is the meaning of escorting my son and generals here?"<br>Dun nods his head forward proclaiming "I believe this is something for your son to explain."  
>I fidget with the hem of my robe, and scoot to behind Pi. If any one can communicate these circumstances with Cao Cao, it is his son. Pi steps forward, head tilted back to better project his stern voice:<br>"Father...I'm with Sima Yi, and I mean that in the sexual way not the platonic I-support-him-and-his-ideas way. We've had sex, plentiful amounts of hard and rough sex in most parts of this palace." That _was not_ what Cao Pi should have said.  
>"Son, we all know. We just thought it would be rude to point out that you two copulate more than rabbits. What other reason did you think there was for all the maid brigades roving the palace. Did you think you had to hide from us? There wasn't a need to worry, we accept you." Xiahou Dun coughs into his balled fist.<br>"Father, that was meant to lead into my main point: Remember the stomach flu? Zhang He was correct; I got Zhongda pregnant. Because I have the Heavens' favor, Yi conceived. We need to depose Emperor Xian and put me on the throne." Cao Cao's face tightens as he looks on incredulously.  
>"Pi, I don't believe in the mandate. But you believe the rest of this? Sima Yi: will you confirm that you're pregnant?"<br>Something catches in my throat, my heart pounds. I sweat. This is adrenaline and raw panic.  
>I manage to nod from behind He and Pi.<br>"Father, please don't dissect Zhongda; he's useful and I'm fond of him."  
>Cao Cao balks: "I wouldn't do that to my officer and your lover, son. Don't take that Shu propaganda to heart; those novels were written centuries after my death. But are you certain of Yi's state?" Cao Cao arises, closing the distance between us, giving a scrutinizing and uncharacteristically quiet "How can you claim such?" to Pi.<p>

Pi hands over the medical records, stating that he was able to conclude that such an impossible occurrence manifests the will of the Divine.  
>Cao Cao looks over the papers, disbelievingly stating that his strategist is pregnant by his son, and suddenly stands immediately by Cao Pi. Even if I wanted to run, there is the issue of Dun; I quiveringly stand my ground when Cao Cao abruptly speaks.<br>"Oh, forget what the _Seven Leadership Habits Of Highly Successful Emperors_ said, I'm going to be a grandfather!"  
>"And I'll be a father!"<p>

They hug. Of all things, after nearly killing me by way of fear, the Caos _hug_. Caos hugging is not natural.  
>Cao Pi pulls his father towards me, the both of them beginning to poke and prod my still rather flat abdomen.<br>"How far along is he, son?"  
>"A bit over 6 weeks..." , Pi says pulling me beside him. I don't know how to respond. But Dun does:<br>"Cousin, our strategist is pregnant. His fluctuations in mood could prove dangerous for Wei." _That_ is simply insulting.  
>Cao Cao, with some contemplation, answers that we may be able to use this turn of events in the war: "Son, contact Liu Bei and Sun Ce. See if you can leverage Sima Yi's current state." Damn them all for speaking as if I'm not here.<br>"Yes, father. They will capitulate upon hearing Wei has the Mandate."  
>Dun moves from where he'd stood at the door way, "Lord Cao Cao, are you seriously going to just tell this to Wu and Shu-"<br>"Dun is right my Lord," Zhang He proclaims as he steps into the foreground, "we cannot simply tell them. As a show of Wei's power and glory,we must hold grand celebrations" he says plie-ing.  
>That bit of farce goads me into finally speaking: "He that is an absolutely-" And Cao Cao has to interrupt:<br>"Machiavellianly brilliant ploy." Zhang He bows graciously.  
>"You are too kind, my Lord. Due to my prior experience with Yaun Shao, in using ostentatious festivities as weapons of psychological warfare, I nominate myself as the head party planner for Yi's All-Kingdom's Baby Bash."<br>"Very well, Zhang He. But be sure to schedule this bash to occur when Sima is heavily pregnant, so as to increase the shock and awe. Bring Wei victory in this task."  
>I speak up, or try to: "Lord Cao Cao, this party may be a liability that lowers our forces' moral. Especially mine."<br>"It's already been decided, Sima Yi. You all are dismissed. There is much work ahead of us."

* * *

><p>This is excellent! Father certainly took the news of my child well. My little Zhongda's still a bit dazed, with small tremors running through him. I'm sure he's just excited about how thrilled my father was at our having a baby. I embrace him, kissing his forehead.<br>"See how easy that was Zhongda? Now, let us go out on Xuchang and get some items for our child."  
>"You are enjoying this entirely too much, Zihuan. You do realize that <em>I<em> will be going through nine hellish months in which I will most likely be ridiculed. Once that's over I just have to somehow survive having your spawn rip out of me..." Yi puts his arms about my rib cage and rests on my chest for support. My poor devoted Zhongda.  
>I tangle a hand in his hair, and peck his cheek as his lithe frame curls in my arms. I think too little of the sacrifices and hardships that this beauteous man is willing to shoulder for me. And, I am sure, there is no one else he could give such devotion to. I feel some warmth and love at seeing how he is willing to bare his doubts and insecurities to me.<br>"I won't let any of that happen to you, my Zhongda. I'll be there for you at every step...  
>Now go change out of that whore-robe and into something that makes you look like less of a harlot. But don't put on anything too chaste, I want people to feel envious when they see you with me; at least now while your body is still good."<p>

* * *

><p>This is degrading. Those Caos forced me to go out and get a "maternity wardrobe" tailored. I'm not even showing! And forcing me to take Guo Huai and Deng Ai away from their productive work, under the claim that if I carry <em>cloth<em> I'll strain myself and injure the baby; what arrogance. It's not even a baby yet; it's a _fetus_. This new attitude of theirs make less sense when you consider that they previously found it acceptable to place me, their strategist, on the front line.  
>I go through the cloth the merchant stocks. Seeing as this tailor is a specialist in maternity wares, finding a cloth that lacks bright colors and flowers is difficult indeed. And the disagreeable fool is quite obstinate.<br>"Merchant, can you not accept cloth from one of the other vendors? None of these are suitable for my tastes."  
>"Heavens forbid, your lordship. I could not work with any lesser silks! For if that is what you want, it would be less inhumane to dress your wife in rags. Speaking of which, where is the beautiful flower that is no doubt your bride? Is it not her tastes that matter for this?" If I were just to reveal my rank and station, this could all be finished so quickly. Huai and Ai, already briefed of the situation, exchange a nervous glance. I respond:<br>"I'm the one paying you, sir. Believe me that you won't be seeing her."  
>"Ah, you are a cruel one, my lordship! So ungrateful to the one who is bearing your progeny! But who will I measure?"<br>"You know not of what you speak... and you will use my measurements."  
>"Come again, sir? How will that work?"<br>This will be an arduous task indeed...

* * *

><p>AN: Cao Pi, you're a dick towards Yi. Hah! Double entendre!<p> 


	7. The Divine Rights of Kings, and Cao Pi

The Divine Rights of Kings, and Cao Pi  
><em>Or<em>  
>Baozi: So It Begins...<p>

"Oh! My lord, come! You must see _this_ one, it is perfect!"  
>I rush to see He's find, hoping that it will finally be adequate for me and Zhongda's heir.<br>It is not. It's a travesty that Xuchang has no cribs and baby blankies fit for the next Wei lord.  
>I scoff my disapproval: "Zhang He, that crib looks rather plain. How will my vasels know that my child is their lord and not some plebe?"<br>Zhang He gently shakes his head before speaking melodically: "Lord Cao Pi, you judge it by the wrong criteria. See the quality of the craftsmanship? The refined simplicity and the rich grain of the wood? This crib is beautiful in a _different_ way. Besides, your babe will need a crib for Yi's office, and I doubt that Yi would want something_ too_ ornate."  
>He has a point, and it's not as if I need worry about father's money.<br>"Very well, general. In addition to this, I have a new responsibility for you: all the rooms Yi spends his time in have to be transitioned into something baby friendly, with stuffed animals and children's toys."  
>Zhang He hugs me, nearly breaking my spine. Upon hearing my gasping and choking noises he lets go. I rub my sore sides, head still spinning when He yells out "You will not regret this my lord! I must now depart to find the cutest plushies in all of Xuchang! Oh! And wallpaper!"<br>I'm sure Zhongda won't mind having his rooms redecorated, for our child.

I leave He on his own, to finish his "plushie quest". By now Zhongda ought to be done with getting his robes. Which means that I'll be going to the store father instructed him to, to see if he chose something that looks good. I pick up some tea, pastries and baozi before going to the tailor and millner's district.  
>The thing that really stands out the most, in helping me find Yi, is seeing Dengi Ai standing at a store front holding rolls of a light teal cloth with little birds embroidered on it.<br>"Deng Ai, is Yi in there?"  
>"Yes, my lord. The tailor is measureing him."<br>"Good." I go in.  
>Yi is at the back of the store, his arms outstretched as the tailor measures him.<br>"Zhongda! I've brought you tea and baozi."  
>That insolent merchant has to snap at me with out even bothering to look up.<br>"Sir! You must get out at once! You may have no food and drink near my silks, and do not distract this man. He is guiding my art's creation!"  
>Zhongda begins to shake his head: "Zihua-"<br>"Merchant! Before you speak to me in such a manner, look back and know that you are addressing the crown prince of Wei!"  
>Yes, the look of horror and repentance that my subjects give upon realizing their transgressions is priceless. But why is Zhongda giving me that cute little scowl?<br>"Sima, stop getting so angry all the time or you'll hurt our child that you're carrying."  
>The merchant turns his head back and forth between us, making unintelligible noises. I think that last bit of information broke his mind. Perfect.<br>Zhongda, red, barks out "The Prince is fooling with you merchant".  
>"Zhongda, darling, why are trying to hide the miraculous fact that you are pregnant with our child?"<br>Yi's that much redder, and standing there with his arms now folded.  
>"... I absolutely hate you for this, Zihuan."<p>

"My lady! Forgive me for having mistaken you for a-"  
>Zhongda cuts the merchant off.<br>"I. Am. A. Man."  
>Zhongda's interaction here should be entertaining to watch, now that it's been set up.<br>"...but you are with child."  
>"...that is beside the point, <em>merchant<em>."  
>"And that child belongs to our Lord Prince?"<br>An exasperated: "Yes, it belongs Cao Pi and I." Slips from Zhongda's lips.  
>The merchant starts again with: "So then you must have-"<br>So then I cut the merchant off.  
>"Zhongda, come have these baozi and tea."<br>He steps down from the platform and walks to me, still huffing a bit.  
>"Just hand me the tea, Zihuan. I've no appetite."<br>I hope that his lack of appetite is not because of my teasing.  
>I try taking his hand and speaking a bit.<br>"Zhongda, I want our child to be healthy. Please eat the delicious baozi."  
>Yi sighs: "I don't think my not wanting to eat is a problem, Zihuan. But if it bothers you so, I'll take the baozi...<br>_Zihuan_, you are right that these baozi are delectable; the bun is just so _silky_ and _smooth_."  
>I give quick peck to the top of his head. "Thank you, Zhongda. I'll go see about getting these silks delivered."<br>"And I'll return to the palace. Hopefully I can still get some work done, Zihuan."  
>Yi returns my earlier favor, and pecks my lips before leaving.<p>

* * *

><p>Why did I let <em><strong>that<strong> fact_ slip so easilly? Why couldn't I just do the right thing and adamantly deny my _condition_? Stupid, stupid Zhongda. Hopefully people will just believe that merchant to be insane if he goes about saying that Zihuan _impregnated me_. If I am fortunate, the bothersome merchant will go to a mad house. And then_ Cao Cao_ will stop insisting I wear _women's robes _(because Zhuge Liang's insistance is already quiet enough, thank you). Yes, all of this will hopefully settle and then proceed without too much fuss. I just need to go to the palace scroll room (which is essentially mine anyways) to relax.

There are of course important matters that I must read over; documents intercepted from Shu and Wu, reports from soldiers in the fields, merchants in the city, farmers and other such. I pour over these materials, after all how could Wei do with out me? Besides, I enjoy it. It's purposeful, challenging, something I've honed my skills at and-  
>I'm interrupted, by a messenger.<br>"Lord Sima Yi, we've just received word from Shu and Wu! Lord Cao Cao wants you to the main hall at once!"  
>"Very well, servant. Lead the way."<p>

It seems my absence had been holding the meeting up, seeing that Cao Pi stands and speak the moment I enter. Before doing this Zihuan pulls a chair out and motions for me to take it; how bothersome of Zihuan, acting like that in front of all the other generals. Still, I sit in it as he begins to speak.

"Shu and Wu's responses to my announcement about Zhongda carrying my child have arrived. This messenger will read them." The man that Cao Pi pointed to steps forth and begins to read from a green scroll.  
>"Congratulations, Wei Lord, on being an expecting father! Kongming advises that I state that Shu does not acknowledge your consort's unusual circumstance to be an adequate foundation for imperial authority. Our relation to the Han and love of benevolence are more valid. However, when speaking on my own behalf, I can say that Shu will not act threateningly toward Wei. It would be unbenevolent to worry an expecting mother." <em>Expecting mother!<em> Those Shu fools dug their graves with that phrase. The messenger retrieves a red scroll now:  
>"This scroll is from the Wu's Sun Ce...it's barely legiable. Our best scribes have only been able to decipher this:<br>1) Cool story, bro!  
>2) What are the chances of that happening? It must be a sign!<br>3) C U l8r!  
>...We still do not understand what the last one means."<br>The messenger bows and departs, leaving us all to ponder the thought: _What is Wu's lord drinking?_

Cao Pi is the first to break this silence.  
>"Did you see that father? I've secured the surrender and praises of our foes <em>just by<em> tapping Zhongda's ass and getting him preggers." _That's enough._  
>I arise: "Zihaun! Do not speak of me in that manner! Preggers is not even proper english; you're a prince for heaven's sake! And stop over sharing about us with the other kingdoms."<br>"...Zhongda, I thought we agreed to use your condition as an excuse to seize the throne, right?" I pause.  
>"Yes, yes we did. It's just a bit <em>uncomfortable<em> to get this attention...Lord Cao Cao, I feel tired due to my condition and will be retiring for the day."  
>Cao Cao nods (having just silently watched all along), I bow and exit, and Cao Pi trails after me like always.<p>

We walk lightly down the halls, to my chambers. A bit before getting there, I turn and speak "Zihaun, I'm not in the mood right now."  
>"I just want to keep you company tonight, Zhongda. You've already stopped vomiting, right?" I nod and he opens the door to my room.<br>"Do you want more blankets, Zhongda? Less? Should I close your window? How about a snack?" I just go ahead and slip out of my robes and lie down, wondering what is wrong with Zihuan. "Just turn off the light and shut the door, Pi...  
>You've become so doting and affectionate that it <em>scares<em> me, Zihuan."  
>Cao Pi just lies besides me and silently wraps his arms about my frame. After some time, he simply responds "that's a strange thing to say, Zhongda."<p> 


	8. Great Expectations?

...Great Expectations?

Damn the sun for bothering me now,when my body is not _willing _to cooperate with normal morning hours.  
>I try to scrunch my eyes, so that they're shielded from the sun and I can sleep <em>a miniscule bit longer<em>. And then there's Pi, who essentially moved into my room a few weeks ago when this had all just started. It surprises me that he didn't move out when the novelty wore off. But that is not my biggest concern as of now; I can't sleep because _Zihuan_ has to open my robes, move the blankets and shift until he's propped over me. I know he's staring, but if I ignore him he may desist and let me rest.  
>"...Zhongda, have you noticed how <em>swollen<em> your nipples are?" ...I suppose it's to be expected that Pi be the first person to notice_ that_ change.  
>"Why are you saying this Zihuan?" I open my eyes and squirm off a bit when the boy starts pressing and rubbing them.<br>"Stop that, Pi. They're **sore**." He stops and looks up at me for a minute before speaking.  
>"I think you should go and get checked up on by Dr. Kongming; you're beginning to show."<br>"I am not. I still look perfectly normal, especially compared to say, _Xu Zhu_."  
>"I didn't mean it that way Zhongda. It's just that look-" Pi places his hand on the lowest part of my abdomen, just above my nether regions- "I can already feel something- <em>our<em> child- growing here; be responsible and see the doctor." I shut my eyes a moment, and take notice of how my body and flesh feel at where Pi has his hand; Zihuan is correct that **_its_** formation is far along enough that I can begin to feel it. But: "Zihuan, Kongming's an ass. I hate him. You **owe me** for going along with your choice of doctor. So now go fetch me a plate of baozi and let me sleep a bit longer."  
>Pi sighs: "...I will, for our child." Zihuan exits, and I can resume my rest.<br>There is one upshot to my _condition_: I can finally order Zihuan about.

I'd finally gotten back to sleep when there is a tapping at my door followed by "Zhongda, you've been sleeping for hours and the Doctor doesn't want to wait any longer."  
>Hours? It certainly does not feel like that, damn Zihuan and his little devil spawn for making me this ill. I sit up to fix my robes and blankets, so that I am covered once more. I run my hands through my hair to comb it, a bit. "You may enter, Zihuan."<br>And Zihuan comes in, leading that blasted Kongming and his traitorous lost-puppy protege, Jiang Wei. At least the latter two made the effort of wearing medical robes this time. Should I bother with glaring and scowling at them right now? Hmmm, probably not. Zihuan walks to stand besides me, while those Shu stand and watch from the foot of my bed. After a moment of this stand off, Pi speaks up:  
>"Zhongda, do you mind?" what does Pi speak of-<br>Zihuan pulls my robe down from my shoulders to my waist, before he starts speaking and pointing to my chest, at what I've come to realize is one of his favorite parts of my anatomy.  
>"See how they are, Doctor. <em>This<em> is what I was telling you of. And look down here." Zihuan pokes my abdomen. I bat his finger away and pull my robes back up before reprimanding Pi: "_Stop _poking there, Pi. ...And _you_, Kongming, do you have any useful medical observations to make?"  
>Zhuge Liang raises his fan over his face and squints, looking over it before speaking.<br>"...Congratulations on being _your_ Prince's pregnant _woman_, Sima Yi."  
>"Zhuge Liang! You self-important, arrogant ass hole! What <em>is<em> wrong with you that you _get off _on _insisting I'm a woman_! You'll pay for-"  
>"Do not insult the Prime Minister! Or you will face my prodigious spear!" ...I think I just threw up a bit in my mouth, right there. Zihuan waves his hand before Jiang Wei:<br>"That sounded... lewd. Don't say that to my Zhongda, it's most... disturbing. Now, Doctor, what can you tell me of Sima's **condition**?"  
>Zhuge puts down his fan before proclaiming "Jiang Wei, the patient's chart." Zhuge reads over the clip board he's given, before looking back up to Pi and speaking: "Sima is at his tenth week; meaning that your child looks slightly more like an alien and less like a fish, is the size of a kumquat... and Sima Yi's uterus is now the size of a grapefruit." I snort at Zhuge's choice of words.<br>"Do you have anything worthwhile to tell me, Zhuge Liang?" I interrupt. Zhuge looks off and ponders before saying: "If you come to my office at Xuchang, I could let you both listen to your baby's heart beat."  
>I... I freeze up then, upon hearing him mention my offspring's <em>heart beat<em>. It... it is still new and strange for me to think of the concept that I do, indeed, have a _child_ of Zihuan and myself inside my body at the moment. Before, I'd been thinking of such in terms of what _physical symptoms I felt_, but that mention of _a separate entity that I am merely carrying_ is... this once, I do not know what to say, or feel or think for that matter.  
>I can only sit there, looking a slack jawed fool; staring at my lap without focusing on anything at all. I try to notice if I'm breathing normally, like I should be, or if I've just stopped altogether. I don't know<br>when it is that arms wrap firmly about me, and Zihuan places my face by the crook of his neck while nuzzling the top of my head. It is somewhat difficult for me to admit that I **need** this _being held and shielded_, right now. It must be the hormones. But, Zihuan's not being an ass about it. No, he just sits there and cuddles _me _until I can catch my voice.  
>"Zihuan, do you want to go hear it today?" He kisses the top of my head and places a hand upon my cheek before speaking a "Yes, Zhongda. This after noon, in an hour or two?"<br>I nod and exhale, tangling my fingers in the back of his shirt.  
>And then, before leaving that damnable Zhuge has to proclaim "don't forget to wear the <strong>maternity<strong> dresses from now on, Sima Yi."  
>I hate the people of Shu; despite their prattling on about benevolence, they are <em>most<em> rude.

* * *

><p>author's note: Wow, I'm so shocked at what a hit this story has become... When I first started this I was expecting to get spammed. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to thank everyone for reading and reviewing <em>and being so damn positive<em>. Thanks!  
>See my attempt at writing mushy-stuff at the end?<br>**And Zhuge Liang is China's most epic troll.**


	9. Family Planing

Family Planing

There was... an uncomfortably loud and fast noise in that... device Zhuge handed.  
>And, whom in their right mind would think that hearing such a noise could make Cao Pi react as he has. He still has those blasted, so-called "<em>head-phones<em>" on as he starts to place his hand upon my back and shoulders, seeming so damn happy it's frightening. He nuzzles the side of my face, my cheek, and speaks into my ear about _child this_ and _child that_. I normally would not ever even think of doing this, let alone prompt it. But, I see an opportunity here; and it is always wise to exploit opportunity.  
>I turn my face so that my lips brush against Pi's as I speak soft. "Zihuan...? We...?" I don't speak further, as I gaze to Pi and brush my finger tips to his lips. Really, it is not that I <em>can't<em> speak, I just do not need to for this _plan_. After all, that so-called "_flirting_" is a system, and like any system I can manipulate it masterfully.  
>And <em>Zihuan<em> takes the bait, garbing my hand and thrusting his tongue down my throat. I really do absolutely hate these public displays of affection, but I've my reason to do this right now. I moan and place a hand on Zihuan's chest. He does the same. I repeat, only louder. Pi is... acting too frisky for a man in a doctor's office with a,_ well_, "pregnant lover". We end up a tangled, undulating mess of limbs on the exam bed; making all sorts of moans and _animal_ noises.

Hah! with my plan's success, I can just imagine that bastard Kongming wanting to vomit from being forced to witness this! And there is nothing he can do to stop me! No, all him and that puppy-apprentice-nurse thing can do is stare _powerless to stop me._ I moan, gasp and writhe; just to yank on their chain.  
>Cao Pi is indeed <em>useful<em> sometimes. I just wish whatever that thing he has in his pants is would stop jabbing me and digging into my thigh.  
>...wait, <em>THING<em> in his pants? _Oh shi-_

"Son! I am here to see my **grandchild**! Right, Dun, _right?_" "Yes, my Lord Cao Cao."  
>After hearing the door slam open and <em>that<em> greeting, Pi pulls off of me and goes to standing _strategically_ behind a chair. I crane my neck to see our room's occupants: a happily bounding Cao Cao, a moody Dun and_ why_ are the Shu standing with their noses covered? What stupidity, that they can't even show disgust right. Who gets a nose bleed in _disgust_ anyways?

"Uh, Father... Yi and I were _occupied_, would you mind waiting outside before coming here to _hear_ my child?"  
>Cao Cao waves his arm out in a forward motion; General Dun scrutinizes my tousled hair and open robe. I quickly fix them.<br>"Nonsense, son! Do you wish to make your father wait to hear the **grandchild** that you have so long _denied _him!" ...Now that I get a closer look, I can see that I truly do have no particular want to become a part of the Cao family.  
>"...Dad, stop making this about some duty you think I have to beget progeny for Wei. Zhongda and I are having children because we want a family <em>together<em>."  
>What is with these <em>Caos<em>, do they all have to be _this_ irrational over some child, besides Cao Pi forgets an important fact:  
>"Zihuan, <em>we<em> are having a child because we somehow failed at gay sex and ended up with me pregnant. That is hardly grounds for feeling pride. Besides, _children?_"  
>Now Zihuan embarrassingly nuzzles my hair and cuddles (and from what I can see that <em>thing<em> still hasn't gone down), "Don't you want more children, Zhongda?"  
>"Zihuan, see; now is not the time for that discussion... <em>stop doing this to me in front of your father."<em>  
>"Son-"<br>But General Dun is helpful to me, some times: "My Lord Cao Cao, your son seems _busy_ perhaps we can give him a moment."  
>"Ah, very well then, Dun! Everybody, to the markets!"<p>

The moment they all step out, Zihuan shoves his tongue down my throat, again. After some panting and gasping:  
>"<em>Zhongda, Zhongda, babe<em>. You have no idea how bad I _need_ to-"  
>"Go into the broom closet and finish yourself off there, Zihuan."<br>"_What_, Yi, why?"  
>"I am not having a medical exam with your <em>fluids<em> on me."  
>"What about in your mou-"<br>"No."

* * *

><p>That was annoying, I can't believe my luck at having father interrupt me when Zhongda was <em>finally<em> letting me get it on with out complaining of morning sickness or having to pee. And then being sent off to the closet. Damn Zhongda. Damn whatever hormones stopped making him put out.  
>Whatever mess is left in that broom closet is now somebody else's problem.<p>

"Zihuan, come out; your father is here." _Again._ I step out. Father is listening to that device that Doctor Kongming set up on Sima. I wait until he takes note of me to interrupt.  
>"Yes, Father?"<br>"_Shhhh._ Son, I am listening to **my grandchild**! Your lover is doing an **excellent** job of carrying a Cao child!" Zhongda seems like he may bite his tongue off, or punch my father in the face if this keeps up. Neither of those would be very good for me.  
>"Father, perhaps you should-"<br>"It's sooo loud and fast, son! Do you think Sima Yi is having _children_?"  
>"No. It's just one."<br>"Ah, very well. There can be more latter. Dun! Listen to your grandchild- er- nephew, I meant."  
>"Uncle isn't here Father." Father finally gets away from my boyfriend, to spin on his heal and look about the room. So he lost Uncle?<br>Father darts out muttering something about loosing Dun at the markets. He shuts the door and leaves.  
>"How dare <em>Lord<em> Cao Cao act as if this is my_ greatest _achievement."  
>I sit by my fuming lover and place a hand on his knee to catch his attentions. He looks to me.<br>"Father is just too fixated on having grandchild...Remember all those time Father and I spoke in private?"  
>Yi nods.<br>"He was busy insisting that I have _children_. Every _fucking_ time."  
>Yi's face drops.<br>"Welcome to the family, Zhongda."

* * *

><p>I need a break from the Caos and all this <em>baby<em> stuff, now. I breath deeply, push a strand of hair behind my ear and make way to my offices. Having to put up with _servants_ and their little "_You're glowing my lord_" comments. Every one _fucking knows_.  
>When I make it to the office, I finally get the chance to open a door for myself. No overly chivalrous Cao Pi here to do my every task for me. I want that right now, right?<br>It is just that , as of late I don't become as angry as I should when Zihuan opens doors or helps me from the carriage. I don't need the help yet, I'm not that far along. But, it's nice to see how invested he is in our child and me. It's comforting to know that the one time that I'll be weak and vulnerable, I'll have Zihuan. And he actually seems to care. I could just be acting this mellow and tame because of the hormones.  
>Yes, the hormones... the same ones at fault for my swollen ankles.<p>

It's relaxing being back at my desk, my office with my maps and scrolls, and my constant planing for our long and bloody wars. How I've missed this.  
>My door slams open again, because fate dictates that I can not have a minute alone. Zhang He somehow bounds in like some deer-butterfly thing, if that is at all possible. Guo Huai steps in behind him, wheezing and hacking. They both hold shopping bags; that can not be good.<br>I nod to them both: "He, Huai. You visit me because?"  
>He too excitedly pulls something out of the bag. "Yi~ Lord Cao Cao sent me to pick up your dress and- well, you had it made by the the sweetest, most charming merchant ever- the two of us started talking and... actually that can be a surprise! Put on your dress first! You'll look sooo adorable!"<br>I scrutinize the bright teal robe.  
>"It has little ribbons and bows. I did not ask for ribbons and bows. I'm not wearing it."<br>"But, Yiiii~ you're going to crush your baby if you keep wearing your skin tight dress."  
>"He does have a point- <em>cough, hack<em>- lest you inflict illness on your child and they should- _cough, hack_- end up like me, Lord Yi."  
>"<em>hmph<em>. Fine"

"Awww~ You looks so _cute_, Yi. I bet Pi will _love it_! Isn't the merchant's work brilliant?"  
>"<em>Cute<em> is terrible, Zhang He!"  
>"Actually- <em>cough<em>- My Lord, you look incredible..."  
>"Guo Huai! I can understand those comment from He, but you <em>too<em>."  
>"Sorry, my Lord-"<br>"Now for the next surprise! Look, Yi!"  
>He pulls out a <em>meat bun<em> plush; where in the world did that come from?  
>"Pray tell, what is that, He?"<br>"Only the most adorable plush baozi EVER! That fabulous merchant made it when I mentioned wanting a unique gift for your babe."  
>"<em>cough<em>- I think that may be the only plush baozi I've ever seen, General."  
>"He, I... have already told you about... <em>Zihuan's grapes obsession.<em> I... just don't feel comfortable having a child of his get a toy foodstuffs."  
>"You worry too much, Yi~"<p>

* * *

><p>Modern technology: because everyone knows how important realism is in mpreg crack...<p> 


	10. Dead Dumplings Tell No Tales

**Pica **or** Dead Dumplings Tell No Tales**,Part 1

That baozi plush seems to mock me, its vacant sewn on stare the only witness to my dirty secret._  
><em>

Or dirt secret to be more precise. It is good to hold power in Wei, and ,on my better days, I believe I am only second to the Cao family; I'm at least over Emperor Xian in terms of real power.

So no one questions why I've begun to build a menagerie of potted plants, exotic to mundane, from every type of soil. No, it seems my fellow officers and even the servants just believe that all these pregnant woman hormones have mellowed me; bent my interests away from long term calculated violence, and toward domesticated plants._ Fools._

Though it is better that they think such, I muse as I take a small silver spoon from my pocket, and a white potted orchid. Damn that devil spawn Zihuan put in me. Damn its uncanny ability to affect my behavior. If it weren't for the the fact _I'm_ the victim, I'd admire the ability to influence another creatures' thoughts. But all I can feel now is a mild aprehension and hope that no one visits me suddenly.  
>As I place the delicate spoon to take soil out the pot and to my mouth, I just remind myself that no one else has to know. After all, the plush baozi is just a <em>toy<em>. A creepy toy, but still, it can't talk.

* * *

><p>"Zhongda, why are you blind folding a toy meat bun?"<br>"it's stare was creepy."  
>"... Right."<br>"...Zhongda, do you realize there's a spoon on your orchid's pot?"  
>"Ugh. One of those ignorant servant must have done that, again."<br>"Again?" Zihuan mutters as he walks over to get a closer look at the pots.  
>"Zhongda... all of these plants seem to have had their soil dug out, by a <em>spoon<em>."  
>"Why are you looking at <em>me, <em>Zihuan? I wouldn't know anything about something that patently absurd."  
>Cao Pi saunters over and begins to run his eyes over me. I brush my hand over my mouth to check that there's no dirt on .<br>"Zhongda, I was just thinking that if a servant was breaking into your chambers to _eat _dirt, you'd surely have noticed. And yet, I've heard nothing about you maiming the help for intruding."  
><em>Ah<em>, I see. Pi's trying to fish for a confession. Not that he'll get one with such a simple trick.  
>I shrug and pop my neck.<br>"It is most unfortunate, Zihuan, but my _condition_, of which you are the cause, seems to leave me feeling a bit tired and _inattentive_ as of late. I'll be sure to let you know when I've got the culprit. Was there something else, Zihuan?"  
>Pi straightens up and suddenly looks as he were looking for a mental cue card to read from.<br>"Ah, yes. you have to come with me to look for... the baby's... furniture? Clothes? Toys?"  
>"Is that a <em>joke<em>? Didn't we give that job to Zhang He?"  
>"We did, but- you just have to come out with me. I mean you need fresh air, for the baby."<br>"Pi, you're up to something."  
>"Zhongda; everyone in the palace is worried that your just staying locked up in your offices."<br>"But I've _always_ just stayed _"locked up" _in my offices. Why is now any different? And _don't _say baby."  
>"My father's concerned, to put things lightly. Just come with me."<br>"Fine... and tell your father to stop being so involved."  
>"I've tried. He's not exactly listening. Let's go."<p>

* * *

><p>Pica is the practice of craving substances with little or no nutritional value. Most pica cravings involve non-food substances such as dirt or chalk. The word <em>pica<em> is Latin for magpie which is a bird notorious for eating almost anything. Sometimes seen in pregnant women.

BTW, thanks for the nice reviews, though I'm late in posting anything new.


	11. Redecorating!

Re-Decorating!

"Hey, Junyi, are they gone yet?"  
>"Shh, General! We must be silent, and graceful! Lest Zhongda discover us before Prince Zihuan can lure him out of his chambers. Heavens forbid, our plan would be ruined! Ruin!"<br>"That's exactly why I was asking! So we can get done with Lord Cao Cao's mission!... Are they gone yet?"  
>"Silence and grace, general! Oh- and <strong>poise<strong>! You _can't_ forget poise!"  
>"You two be quite, have you forgotten this is a stealth mission? <em>Why<em> are we all hiding in the same box, again?"  
>"It seemed a good idea at the time, Cousin Dun. We need to find out if Pi is done with his end of the operation. Ya know, see if they're gone yet!"<br>"_Oooh_- I know, let's _gracefully_ approach and get a closer look!"  
>"All right on the count of three, everyone move forward to Sima Yi's office door. One, two, three-"<p>

We bump into something, hearing a soft _unf_ followed by a more irate: "Zihuan! What fool servant left this box in the hall. It must be removed this instant." "That was no servant, Zhongda. It is my box, leave it be." "**Your** box _tripped_ me!_It_ made me fall! I demand it's execution!" Apprehensively, I hear Sima Yi's boot click on the tile. This whole frivolous mission is at stake, until Cao Pi speaks up, almost _cooing_: "Zhongda, why is my little ice queen so upset? It's just a box I left at your doorstep."  
>"...fine. If you want your precious box to sit around in the hall unguarded, be my guest. But don't ever call me <em>that <em>again."  
>"<em>Thank you<em>, my good Zhongda."  
>" of course... <em>my lord<em>." Those two need couple's therapy; I pity the child they'll be raising.

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><p>Whatever anger I'd felt at Cao Pi dissipates when we reach our destination. After trampling about the streets of Xu Chang, we're at the weapon smith's. Zihuan automatically being drawn of to the swords, while I look at what new contraptions have been made. Such variety, it's a pity that all these new inventions come about while I am incapacitated. I am examining a new sort of sword when a familiar pair of arms wrap about me.<br>"Zihuan, you know more of swords. What is this?" Pi peers over my shoulder as I wave the thin blade before him. "It seems to be a rapier; those are from 16th century Europe. I wonder how it got here. Just another anachronism I suppose."  
>"Oh? I see. This one is quite clever. Just look at the shape of the little serrations. They seem meant to trap bits of flesh in them. If some poor fool survived being stabbed, infection and allergy to foreign flesh my well get him. <em>Clever<em>." Pi nuzzles my shoulder before commenting "This is nice, Zhongda." "What, the swords? I take it that this is not what's typically meant by baby toys, Zihuan." I speak while shifting the rapier's weight in my hand. "Sorry, Zhongda , this is just a detour. We can go off to look at the baby's-" "No! No, let's just forget the child for a moment. We can stay here, at the arms dealer... Just the two of us, like before." I feel the arm about my waist tighten. "Alright. Zhongda, why don't I get you that rapier, as a gift?" "Hmm? I don't use swords." "If it's as clever as you say, I am certain we'll find someone who'll make use of it." "True enough."

* * *

><p><em>Oohh-<em> this is perfect, just a few adjustments! "A little to the left, right, closer, no, move back. Maybe we should just put it where it originally was-"  
>"Zhang He! It's a cradle! Just leave it there; Sima Yi could return at any moment-" "Which is why we can waste no time getting Yi's office up to full fabulosity, General Dun. <em>Tout sou-it<em>!" "Uhm, Junyi, the office looks... butterfly-full and sparkly enough already. We _really _have to get out before **they're** back." "Yuan~ we can't rush this! You can't rush _beauty_." "This is a stealth mission! We've gotta leave now, Junyi." "I still don't see why Lord Cao Cao put you in charge of the stealth mission, He; there are other officers that have more experience with ambushes." " But not ambushes like these, General Dun! They were a specialty of mine under Yuan Shao!" "What, Junyi? Sneaking into bases and taking stuff?" "Heavens, no! Changing an opponents decor as a form of psychological warfare!" "... Wait, if this is psychological warfare, should we really use it on Sima Yi? The guy seemed kinda on edge lately." "And this will make it better. He'll be happy! It's for his baby!"

* * *

><p><em>What is- what the<em>- "What have you **imbeciles ** done to my chambers!" The Xiahou brothers simply dart out, leaving He alone with me. Zhang He slowly approaches me speaking in melodic, soothing tones: "Yi, isn't it precious?" "Damn it, He! This is my war room and now it's covered in pictures of baby animals! How _dare _you!" He now stands by holding his hands out in a gesture of peace. "Yi, Cao Pi and your babe will love the new decor! Besides- Lord Cao Cao wanted this to be a surprise." "_Figures. _Did he think I'd have baby fever like the rest of you morons of Wei?" He shifts his weight a bit to the right and inhales before speaking: "Actually, no. Lord Cao Cao thought you'd be reluctant to have your offices made baby friendly. So he wanted to get you out of the way." I lean my weight on my desk, to ponder what He just said for a moment. "They **tricked** _me_? The **_Caos _**tricked me?" He's expression softness to concern as he gets closer to me. I hate how Zhang He simply towers over me. "Yi, you seem _so_ upset. Expecting a child must be so stressful. Who needs a hug?" "Oh, no, no, no, no! Release me at once, Zhang He! Rah!"  
>The dramatic effect of me trying to flip the large wooden work desk is lost when I become exhausted just from trying to tilt it. It's <em>just degrading<em> when He effortlessly lifts it after uttering "Yi, if you want your furniture moved ask for help. No one wants you to strain yourself while carrying the baby."

* * *

><p>Long time no update? Hopefully I'm getting closer to writing the all-kingdoms baby-bash.<p> 


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